“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”
It started when I was about 5 years old. I remember my very first experience with depression. We’d just gotten home from a christmas party we went to every year, and my mother had tucked me in to my warm cozy bed. As she wished me sweet dreams, we talked about all the fun we had at the party and what I wanted Santa Claus to bring on Christmas Eve. Then, we said our prayers together and she left the room…
I remember walking through the quiet house, into the kitchen where my mom was washing the dishes. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to get to her. I had this awful feeling I now recognize as empty and hopeless, but then had no words. I just stood there in my jammies, feeling so weak.
I finally cried softly, “… momma?” So quietly she couldn’t hear me.
Not knowing what to do with this emotion, my first tear fell and my soft cry became a desperate one, “ Mommmmy!”
I watched as she turned and rushed over to me drying her hands with the dish towel on the way. Then sobs of who-knows-what just poured out, surprising me just as much as her.
“Whats wrong honey? My goodness!”
I felt safe in her arms, hoping she would never let me go, “I don’t knowww!”
That’s all I could say… My mother did everything she knew how to find out what was wrong, “Did something happen at the party?” “Did someone hurt your feelings?” “Is there something you’re afraid of?” “Did you have a bad dream?”… “You can tell me anything. It’s ok.”
I then struggled with feelings of stupidity and insecurity because of the confusion this caused within me. It was the first of many uncontrollable tearful spells throughout my adolescence. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my parents in those years. I was so often misunderstood. I couldn’t understand it myself!
If you don’t suffer from depression, chances are you know someone who has. It wouldn’t surprise me if there were more commercials on television for anti-depressants now than there are for beer!
Depression has a way of slowing life down. Sometimes to a complete stop!
After years of thinking I would Never be able to function in society, get married, have kids, or keep a job, I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way! Yes, I have my ups and downs… and my downs last forever sometimes. But it doesn’t have to define the course of my life!
What I have found that determines the difference is TALKING!
If you have depression, tell the people around you. It’s the best thing you could ever do! Even if they don’t understand it, they will better understand You!
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
If you know someone with depression, I know how frustrating it can be. Let them know they can be open about it with you! You will be amazed at how the simplest gesture can act in such a healing way, not only for the depression, but for your relationship!
Now, in response to this post, leave a comment! Tell me one thing that you learned from this post and how you plan to use it! Ready?! … GO!
So much Love!