“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.”
― Haruki Murakami
Are you ready for a big truth bomb?!
If you haven’t read the previous post yet go here!
Some of you who know me, know that I am extremely creative. I have a boundless imagination that allows me to see things that most could never come close to! Some say it’s a gift, but others who can relate might say it’s a curse.
For me, this kind of creativity is grossly bitter and deliciously sweet at once. It developed at an early age when I was forced to adapt to unimaginable situations. As they took place, my mind took control and created new realities for me. These new realities were not only tolerable; they were enough to keep the truth a secret… from me.
Isn’t the human mind fascinating?! It created an immediate defense mechanism, in the form of dissociation to protect me from many truths that I was not yet developed enough to even process or understand. There is so much beauty in that! I am sincerely thankful and praiseful for it. It became my default survival kit that I was never totally aware of.
If you know about my creativity, you know how obnoxiously happy I can be. Who would have thought my unrealistically happy tendencies were a part of bigger secrets that I had no control over. This is where it gets outrageously confusing for me. I’m never quit sure what’s real and what isn’t. My mind still acts as though I need it to protect me. Even from what’s good.
On the outside, what you see is happiness. When on the inside I’m a wreck.
On the inside, it’s easier to disconnect and watch my life than experience it. This disconnect began at such an early age, that I never had the chance to learn how to cope with basic life stress. As pain approached, I would fade out and come back to reality when it was safe again. It’s dissociation.
On the inside, my torturous thoughts of guilt, rage, regret, doom and hopelessness are so loud, I revel in moments of absolute silence, alone. That’s what they call a party… of pity perhaps?
On the inside I plot my fantasy escape, often suicide, but I don’t have it in me to follow through, so I geographically run away and refuse to talk to or see people I love for months at a time. No matter how far I run, those thoughts are always with me.
On the inside, I would rather totally fail or quit than complete a task with the smallest imperfection.
On the inside, I love you deeply, or hate you immensely… it is devastating. But, that’s just for today. It could be different tomorrow.
On the inside I’m kicking and screaming like a child. I just want someone safe to hold me close, tell me it’s alright, and never ever let me go. Ever.
On the inside, every person I’ve ever met is in on the global scheme against my very existence. I’m extremely paranoid.
On the inside, I’m so far away from the truth of reality, I almost have no choice but to create my own.
“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”
― Judith Lewis Herman
Are you good at that or are you the victim of that? How about both. That’s what I am. Both. Secrecy always fails!
We all have these big secrets inside of us. Some, we don’t even know are there. But, holding them under the surface is what tears us apart. It’s worth the struggle to put life on hold and dig up your roots to discover the secrets too deep to see. I know this, because I’ve lived it. You know it too. It’s hard isn’t it? So what are some of the most difficult secrets you’re holding under the surface? In the comments bellow, as safe as you feel, try sharing one of them (or as many as you want)!
I just gave you a piece of my heart, because I want you to know you are not alone! I’m a majorly depressed borderline paranoid psychotic! Finally, having the courage to refuse my urge to hide it from you is what keeps me alive! Try telling one of your secrets. It will amaze you how light you feel when you’re done! I promise. No negative vibes or judgement, just support. I need it. And so do You!
P.s. Sharing your secrets in the comments bellow can be pretty tough! If your heart is racing and you just can’t do it, here are some other super safe options! Shoot me a private e-mail at email@example.com , send me a message on Facebook or Twitter, message me on Google+, or simply call up a friend! Whatever you choose, I promise you’ll feel so much better! Let’s do this!
- Secrets: Holding Them Under (WatchMeRock.com)
- They Told Me Not To Tell (WatchMeRock.com)
- Frank Warren: Half a Million Secrets VIDEO (YouTube.com)
- Are You Beautiful on the Inside or Only on the Outside? (HuffingtonPost.com)
- How Secrets Keep You Stuck: ‘They Can Be The Death Of Our Dreams and Success’ (HuffingtonPost.com)