Let Secrecy Fail


“Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they’re also what tear you apart.”
― Haruki Murakami

Are you ready for a big truth bomb?!

If you haven’t read the previous post yet go here!

Some of you who know me, know that I am extremely creative. I have a boundless imagination that allows me to see things that most could never come close to! Some say it’s a gift, but others who can relate might say it’s a curse.

For me, this kind of creativity is grossly bitter and deliciously sweet at once. It developed at an early age when I was forced to adapt to unimaginable situations. As they took place, my mind took control and created new realities for me. These new realities were not only tolerable; they were enough to keep the truth a secret… from me.

Isn’t the human mind fascinating?! It created an immediate defense mechanism, in the form of dissociation to protect me from many truths that I was not yet developed enough to even process or understand. There is so much beauty in that! I am sincerely thankful and praiseful for it. It became my default survival kit that I was never totally aware of.

If you know about my creativity, you know how obnoxiously happy I can be. Who would have thought my unrealistically happy tendencies were a part of bigger secrets that I had no control over. This is where it gets outrageously confusing for me. I’m never quit sure what’s real and what isn’t. My mind still acts as though I need it to protect me. Even from what’s good.

On the outside, what you see is happiness. When on the inside I’m a wreck.

On the inside, it’s easier to disconnect and watch my life than experience it. This disconnect began at such an early age, that I never had the chance to learn how to cope with basic life stress. As pain approached, I would fade out and come back to reality when it was safe again. It’s dissociation.

On the inside, my torturous thoughts of guilt, rage, regret, doom and hopelessness are so loud, I revel in moments of absolute silence, alone. That’s what they call a party… of pity perhaps?

On the inside I plot my fantasy escape, often suicide, but I don’t have it in me to follow through, so I geographically run away and refuse to talk to or see people I love for months at a time. No matter how far I run, those thoughts are always with me.

On the inside, I would rather totally fail or quit than complete a task with the smallest imperfection.

On the inside, I love you deeply, or hate you immensely… it is devastating. But, that’s just for today. It could be different tomorrow.

On the inside I’m kicking and screaming like a child. I just want someone safe to hold me close, tell me it’s alright, and never ever let me go. Ever.

On the inside, every person I’ve ever met is in on the global scheme against my very existence. I’m extremely paranoid.

On the inside, I’m so far away from the truth of reality, I almost have no choice but to create my own.

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure no one listens.”
― Judith Lewis Herman

Are you good at that or are you the victim of that? How about both. That’s what I am. Both. Secrecy always fails!

We all have these big secrets inside of us. Some, we don’t even know are there. But, holding them under the surface is what tears us apart. It’s worth the struggle to put life on hold and dig up your roots to discover the secrets too deep to see. I know this, because I’ve lived it. You know it too. It’s hard isn’t it? So what are some of the most difficult secrets you’re holding under the surface? In the comments bellow, as safe as you feel, try sharing one of them (or as many as you want)!

I just gave you a piece of my heart, because I want you to know you are not alone! I’m a majorly depressed borderline paranoid psychotic! Finally, having the courage to refuse my urge to hide it from you is what keeps me alive!  Try telling one of your secrets. It will amaze you how light you feel when you’re done! I promise. No negative vibes or judgement, just support. I need it. And so do You!

Be True!

Leigh.

P.s. Sharing your secrets in the comments bellow can be pretty tough! If your heart is racing and you just can’t do it, here are some other super safe options! Shoot me a private e-mail at justleigh.lh@gmail.com , send me a message on Facebook or Twitter, message me on Google+, or simply call up a friend! Whatever you choose, I promise you’ll feel so much better! Let’s do this!

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17 comments

  1. Hi Leigh, Great post! Eventhough I don’t experience the things you talk about (and I promise I”m not in denial :-))You write with such conviction I can’t help but savour ever word. I have subscribed through my home email address and as soon as one of your posts comes in I send it to my work email address and grab a cup of tea where your post can get my undivided attention … it’s become my ritual. Keep going Leigh this is going to lead to an incredible journey! I can feel it in my bones! Take care

    1. You are so kind, Leigh! Thank you for believing in me and joining me on this journey. I couldn’t do it without you! Also, I am a fan of your ritual 😉 I love that!!! So cool.

  2. oh.. words fail me. i am so very, very glad to have been introduced to you, kindred spirit. your honesty and – is it optimism? enthusiasm? joy? – in spite of it all is breathtaking and beautiful. i struggle right alongside you, dearest, and i’ll cheer you on every step of the way to healing. sending you loads and loads of love!

    1. Ingrid, thank you! Your words are so encouraging. Laura has a great intuition, I’d say 🙂

  3. Hi Leigh-visiting you through 1ofakind.co.nz What an incredible post that you have written from the heart. You’re very brave doing that! We all have secrets hidden deep below, and it does feel better when we tell someone. Thanks for opening your heart
    Raquel

  4. This is an exceptionally open post. And thought the experience is not pleasant, you describe it beautifully. I often find honesty has a tendency to present itself in such a wonderful fashion, despite the nature of the subject. Thank you for shraing your brave journey!

    1. Thank you Lauren! One of my favorite proverbs says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips!” and it is so true! I think now that I’m being so honest, it would take more bravery not to! Your kind and encouraging words mean so much. Thank you.

  5. […] Let Secrecy Fail (watchmerock.wordpress.com) Share this:EmailPrintTwitterMoreTumblrFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this.   Leave a comment […]

  6. Watching your life….you got it! I never thought about it like that but you’re very right! I can relate to everything you said and you said it so well!

    I don’t know why but this “On the inside, I would rather totally fail or quit than complete a task with the smallest imperfection” made me really emotional. I experience this a lot, where if I can’t do something right (how I see right) then I’d rather be dead. I don’t know if that makes me emotional because I feel bad that my mind can think like that or if it’s because I feel weak that the smallest thing has that much power over me.

    I’m going to share this list you’ve created if you don’t mind! I’ll link it back to you! xoxo

    1. I am so glad that you can relate. I wrote it for you! Please do share anything you’d like on here! I trust you 🙂 Keep choosing life! Leigh.

  7. […] from Watch Me Rock! linked me a post she wrote recently where she told the truth about how she really feels. It really […]

  8. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honesty and bravery. Kelly Rae Roberts often says, ”brave in sadness, brave in love\” and it has stayed with me. You are a beautiful soul and I’m happy to be connected. My truth? I struggle with being a workaholic and feeling inadequate. Add a touch of anxiety and depression, plus a hopeful spirit and strong will to prove my own fears and others wrong…that’s me! Xoxo

    1. Thank you for sharing your truth Laura! We all have struggles on the inside, that’s no secret at all! And it amazes me, when we start sharing them, how we are surrounded by an endless community of others who feel just the same! You are brave and beautiful! Stay hopeful and strong! 🙂

  9. ( you posted this on my 34th birthday)
    I’m afraid that I will never have the courage/willpower/strength of character/? to grow up and actually take responsibility for my life.

    1. That’s a pretty big fear you have! For that, I’ll share with you one of mine 🙂 … I’m often afraid that I will never be Capable of growing up and taking responsibility for my life. Maybe I’ll post more on that soon… know that you are not alone, dear! And dare I say you have got a Ton of courage by simply sharing your life through your writing. I can relate to a lot of what you say on your blog. Thank you for sharing and following!

    2. Oh, and Happy Belated! 🙂

  10. […] I have a constant struggle knowing what’s real and what isn’t (if you don’t, here’s why), so when it comes to moving forward, deciding between fear and discernment, everything is […]

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